I have taken on this challenge. It is Day 2 for me because the challenges are posted too late in the day for me. I have left my house by the time challenge is put up. I have stayed away from writing challenges such as this one because there is a fear so strong that I can’t produce, that it won’t be good enough and that I won’t succeed. So I have been sitting here staring at the computer, reading other people’s assignments, looking at artwork and yet I come back to this page with nothing. I have travelled a great deal of my life and yet I seem to draw a blank about all the beauty I have seen looking out windows of hotels or flats that I have stayed in. I am actually at a loss for this assignment so t thought I would write about how I am feeling…..overwhelmed, a feeling of “I knew you couldn’t do this, a failure, some sadness that I can’t get going on this, gloom and doom because it has been an ongoing pattern in my life, fear that I will never overcome this start and stop pattern, thoughts that I a unimaginative and not really a good writer at all.
I am sittin in my most favorite overstuffed chair. It is large and pretty much takes over any room no matter what the size is. I found it in a second-home furnishing store. I love it. It actually envelopes the entire body. It is a golden color and it invites all to sit and relax and get lost. As I am sitting in my office, this chair sits diagonally across from the only window there is in my office. The window is simply decorated with sheer cream colored drapes with vertical rows of sage green vines going up and down the length of the curtains from top to bottom. The window is about 6 feet from top to bottom and maybe 4 feet wide. The thick white blinds hang horizontally in contrast to the decorative vertical vines of the curtains. There are blinds. They are white and thick. The curtains are hanging from a brown curtain rod with medium sized balls on either end. In the middle of the rod I have placed a window hanging with 3 glass candle holders evenly spaced out from one another and hanging right down the center of the window. The candle holders are held in place with thin wire from top to bottom with a hook on the top so that it can hang. The candle holders are pinkish red, island blue, and canary yellow. Each holder possesses only 1 color. So simple, but to me beautiful. Right outside the window stands one tree swaying in the wind set against a blue Texas sky. Some days it sits there quietly and other days it can’t stop moving. Swaying with enthusiasm. My office is on the second floor of my house and beyond the tree are rows and rows of rooftops. Immediately out the window is part of my roof and if I dare to open the window, I could step right out on that roof, but I haven’t the courage.
I am living within the confines of a life that is truly not mine. Supposedly I am told it is what I have created but because there are lines around my mind and there is a border patrol of memories and patterns so deeply etched in my canvas called my life, I seem to be able to go no further, to stretch no further. There is burning and longing to stretch my body across the entire universe, to eat it all up and take it all in but I live in a very small corner of the universe that seems to only take in so much and only see so far and only experience a pin drop of what my soul longs for. There is a great wide world out there filled with beauty to see, and people to meet, and food to eat, and songs to sing, and lovers to love, and laughter to be had. I wish my fingers could touch the whole of life, but in my mind I can only see so far and reach so far for I am trapped within the confines of my own thoughts, thoughts of my parents, my ancestors, my environment. Oh how I would like to knock the walls down, bust open the seams, and fly but who am I kidding. I have tried all the years to live the life of my dreams, to experience life fully and extremely and have yet achieved that so I will simple be where I am and peer out the little lens that I have been giving that can dream big, but has yet to live big!
it is early in the morning my favorite time of the day it is all quite except for birds chirping and the hum of the world waking up. I am doing this writing challenge and I am nervous about it will I continue with it or stop like I stop so many things. where is my commitment I ask myself it is hindered by old thoughts of it won’t be good enough or I will fail so I am not going to try anyway this habit and thought are very old and wonder if i will ever get over it. are we born with these thought patterns or does something in our lives happen and a pattern is created and once it is created can it ever be change. I have heard folks say that people don’t change and I am the forever optimist that we can change. Um? I must continue writing because this is the assignment write for 20 minutes straight without stopping i still have morning fog brain and I am slow with the typing well my mind is moving faster than my fingers are moving and you know I didn’t even check the time when I started. It is really warm and humid here in Texas and it is just June. I wonder how my friends are doing that just divorced. I wonder when they wake up in the morning how they are feeling. That is tough. they were my favorite couple and I never thought they would divorce. Wow the birds are active this morning and my dogs are just sitting by happily on the floor listening and taking in the day . i so wish I could be inside their minds and know what they are thinking. Oh one of them just jumped up and ran outside something must be out there. The bark is on. Today I will be going to pay the rent and then head on down to Unity church of Dallas for a staff meeting. Then I will go and teach some voice lessons. Yes, I feel lucky to be able to do this to give what I love to do. Dogs barking, what the heck is out there. I can actually guess. It is probably a rabbit because our neighborhood is infiltrated by little gray rabbits everywhere in my last neighborhood it was ducks this neighborhood it is rabbits. Interesting as to how that started or maybe they were here before the houses were. Probably. It is like everywhere else well especially here in Texas. They are building on so much open land that it is leaving no place for the animals to go and they wonder why bobcats are showing up in the doorways of elementary schools or there are coyotes and fox running down the middle of the street in a residential area. WEll we all know that residential area was once just open land anyway… I have to keep going I am hot and it is this early in the morning and that rabbit is really annoying my puppies and they want out of the backyard but it ain’t gonna happen. One of my fingers feels numb. that’s odd I wonder how long I have been typing I feel like I am going to run out of things to say but I have done these types of stream of consciousness writings and you never run out of things to say I have been thinking of Maya Angelou a lot since she passed away and she wrote all the time. She said it was like eating or drinking water for her. It is interesting for me cause I have lots of ideas go through my head during the day but I don’t take the time to turn toward the ideas and develop them. Um? Crazy and when I do give into it I love the flow and feeling of creating. It is so satisfying. Okay I still don’t know how long its been but I wish that rabbit would leave cuz its getting noisy out there and Gilligan and Ginger are about to lose their minds they are trying to find a way out of the yard didn’t I say this earlier in my typing. Is it tweny minutes yet. i’ll never know. It sounds like one of the dog’s bark is further away I wonder if one of them got out. Not possible because the other one would be going nuts if one is out and one isn’t okay this weird numbness or tinkling in my fingers is annoying me. Maybe its the angle at which I am resting my hand on the computer. Okay both the dogs just suddenly came inside. Party is over and mission is complete. I don’t know if I did my twenty minutes but I showed up today. This was actually yesterday’s assignment but they are not posting the assignments until 10 in the morning. I have already been up 3 hours by that time and I am usually out the door by ten I don’t know why they chose such a late time. i love writing early in the morning. bummer.