My mind has many voices but there are two voices that are usually leading, but not at the same time. The voice of discouragement or the voice of encouragement. We’ve got to be our own best friends. I have decided I will give the voice of encouragement more credence than the voice of discouragement. In the past it was the other way around. I was listening to Joel Osteen the other day and he said we are pretty much programmed to listen to the negative over the positive.
I believe it but I don’t believe that it stops there.
The voice of discouragement was my best, best friend for a long time. Waking up with me, walking through the day with me, going out to dinner with me, “trying” to write a song with me, and then falling asleep with me. But through my spiritual journey for the last 15 years or so, I am finally getting to that place where I have the awareness that when the voice of discouragement is trying to lead, I can shut it down. It doesn’t have to lead my show. I never thought I would get to that place where my voice of encouragement would finally take the lead and become my best friend. I do believe I would not have reached this place without both voices. We would not know light unless we are aware of the dark. Yes?
The difference between those who are successful and those who are not is each individual’s consistent, persistent use and awareness of either the voice of discouragement or the voice of encouragement. Life is much more fun with the voice of encouragement. Which voice is running your life?
I have taken on this challenge. It is Day 2 for me because the challenges are posted too late in the day for me. I have left my house by the time challenge is put up. I have stayed away from writing challenges such as this one because there is a fear so strong that I can’t produce, that it won’t be good enough and that I won’t succeed. So I have been sitting here staring at the computer, reading other people’s assignments, looking at artwork and yet I come back to this page with nothing. I have travelled a great deal of my life and yet I seem to draw a blank about all the beauty I have seen looking out windows of hotels or flats that I have stayed in. I am actually at a loss for this assignment so t thought I would write about how I am feeling…..overwhelmed, a feeling of “I knew you couldn’t do this, a failure, some sadness that I can’t get going on this, gloom and doom because it has been an ongoing pattern in my life, fear that I will never overcome this start and stop pattern, thoughts that I a unimaginative and not really a good writer at all.
I am sittin in my most favorite overstuffed chair. It is large and pretty much takes over any room no matter what the size is. I found it in a second-home furnishing store. I love it. It actually envelopes the entire body. It is a golden color and it invites all to sit and relax and get lost. As I am sitting in my office, this chair sits diagonally across from the only window there is in my office. The window is simply decorated with sheer cream colored drapes with vertical rows of sage green vines going up and down the length of the curtains from top to bottom. The window is about 6 feet from top to bottom and maybe 4 feet wide. The thick white blinds hang horizontally in contrast to the decorative vertical vines of the curtains. There are blinds. They are white and thick. The curtains are hanging from a brown curtain rod with medium sized balls on either end. In the middle of the rod I have placed a window hanging with 3 glass candle holders evenly spaced out from one another and hanging right down the center of the window. The candle holders are held in place with thin wire from top to bottom with a hook on the top so that it can hang. The candle holders are pinkish red, island blue, and canary yellow. Each holder possesses only 1 color. So simple, but to me beautiful. Right outside the window stands one tree swaying in the wind set against a blue Texas sky. Some days it sits there quietly and other days it can’t stop moving. Swaying with enthusiasm. My office is on the second floor of my house and beyond the tree are rows and rows of rooftops. Immediately out the window is part of my roof and if I dare to open the window, I could step right out on that roof, but I haven’t the courage.
I am living within the confines of a life that is truly not mine. Supposedly I am told it is what I have created but because there are lines around my mind and there is a border patrol of memories and patterns so deeply etched in my canvas called my life, I seem to be able to go no further, to stretch no further. There is burning and longing to stretch my body across the entire universe, to eat it all up and take it all in but I live in a very small corner of the universe that seems to only take in so much and only see so far and only experience a pin drop of what my soul longs for. There is a great wide world out there filled with beauty to see, and people to meet, and food to eat, and songs to sing, and lovers to love, and laughter to be had. I wish my fingers could touch the whole of life, but in my mind I can only see so far and reach so far for I am trapped within the confines of my own thoughts, thoughts of my parents, my ancestors, my environment. Oh how I would like to knock the walls down, bust open the seams, and fly but who am I kidding. I have tried all the years to live the life of my dreams, to experience life fully and extremely and have yet achieved that so I will simple be where I am and peer out the little lens that I have been giving that can dream big, but has yet to live big!
it is early in the morning my favorite time of the day it is all quite except for birds chirping and the hum of the world waking up. I am doing this writing challenge and I am nervous about it will I continue with it or stop like I stop so many things. where is my commitment I ask myself it is hindered by old thoughts of it won’t be good enough or I will fail so I am not going to try anyway this habit and thought are very old and wonder if i will ever get over it. are we born with these thought patterns or does something in our lives happen and a pattern is created and once it is created can it ever be change. I have heard folks say that people don’t change and I am the forever optimist that we can change. Um? I must continue writing because this is the assignment write for 20 minutes straight without stopping i still have morning fog brain and I am slow with the typing well my mind is moving faster than my fingers are moving and you know I didn’t even check the time when I started. It is really warm and humid here in Texas and it is just June. I wonder how my friends are doing that just divorced. I wonder when they wake up in the morning how they are feeling. That is tough. they were my favorite couple and I never thought they would divorce. Wow the birds are active this morning and my dogs are just sitting by happily on the floor listening and taking in the day . i so wish I could be inside their minds and know what they are thinking. Oh one of them just jumped up and ran outside something must be out there. The bark is on. Today I will be going to pay the rent and then head on down to Unity church of Dallas for a staff meeting. Then I will go and teach some voice lessons. Yes, I feel lucky to be able to do this to give what I love to do. Dogs barking, what the heck is out there. I can actually guess. It is probably a rabbit because our neighborhood is infiltrated by little gray rabbits everywhere in my last neighborhood it was ducks this neighborhood it is rabbits. Interesting as to how that started or maybe they were here before the houses were. Probably. It is like everywhere else well especially here in Texas. They are building on so much open land that it is leaving no place for the animals to go and they wonder why bobcats are showing up in the doorways of elementary schools or there are coyotes and fox running down the middle of the street in a residential area. WEll we all know that residential area was once just open land anyway… I have to keep going I am hot and it is this early in the morning and that rabbit is really annoying my puppies and they want out of the backyard but it ain’t gonna happen. One of my fingers feels numb. that’s odd I wonder how long I have been typing I feel like I am going to run out of things to say but I have done these types of stream of consciousness writings and you never run out of things to say I have been thinking of Maya Angelou a lot since she passed away and she wrote all the time. She said it was like eating or drinking water for her. It is interesting for me cause I have lots of ideas go through my head during the day but I don’t take the time to turn toward the ideas and develop them. Um? Crazy and when I do give into it I love the flow and feeling of creating. It is so satisfying. Okay I still don’t know how long its been but I wish that rabbit would leave cuz its getting noisy out there and Gilligan and Ginger are about to lose their minds they are trying to find a way out of the yard didn’t I say this earlier in my typing. Is it tweny minutes yet. i’ll never know. It sounds like one of the dog’s bark is further away I wonder if one of them got out. Not possible because the other one would be going nuts if one is out and one isn’t okay this weird numbness or tinkling in my fingers is annoying me. Maybe its the angle at which I am resting my hand on the computer. Okay both the dogs just suddenly came inside. Party is over and mission is complete. I don’t know if I did my twenty minutes but I showed up today. This was actually yesterday’s assignment but they are not posting the assignments until 10 in the morning. I have already been up 3 hours by that time and I am usually out the door by ten I don’t know why they chose such a late time. i love writing early in the morning. bummer.
It is Day 3 of blogging and I find myself wondering about what I will write about each day. But I think for me, it is best just to show up and see what my muse has to say, to allow the flow to occur. I do not want to expect anything out of blogging, just the act of doing, being, and allowing will be a gift all in itself. It has only been 3 days, but each morning when I arrive with my favorite Starbuck’s French Roast cup of coffee and begin, I am delighted and filled with lots of child-like glee like when I was a kid and discovered creativity. Wow… I feel like a new person even after 3 days. I hate to say this blog is more about me than others, but I know when I write for others whether it be a song or in my book, there is a pressure that occurs that stymies the flow. The flow is my friend and she loves playing with me and creating just because.
Since being on word press, I have seen many different articles about having a successful blog, building your business through blogging, and how often should you blog. That puts me back in my head and out of the flow once again. I need to write for writing’s sake and nothing else. It feeds my soul, makes me feel alive, whole, and accomplished. I get to carry that feeling throughout my day. So grateful!
Staring Monday, June 2nd I am taking on the blog challenge of writing everyday. It feels good because I have no great intention behind it and no expectations. Just for fun and joy. I have been writing since I was a little girl but I have never considered myself a writer. I am a songwriter but for some reason I consider that different than being a writer. But guess what, its all the same. I accidentally wrote a book and self-published it. It came on like a tornado out of the blue and the words flowed out effortlessly. I have had that experience with a song but never thought a book would come out that way. I finished that book within a week’s period of time from start to finish. Writing for hours, up until 5 in the morning some days. It was fun. The challenge came when it was done and I thought okay I am going to market this book. Well that’s a whole other ballgame. I am not a marketer, I am a writer. But I am happy that book was written. I also have another book in the works that I have been writing since 2003 when I lived in New York City. The idea came out of the blue and every time I go to write in that book I have no idea where its going. I just show up and my muse appears and she writes. It has been an amazing process. Um? I think I’ll let her write everything and get out of the way. what a thought………
Once again I’ve decided it would be fun to write a blog everyday and babble on about whatever.
Today, I think about creativity for me and I love the process of writing a song or writing in my book. When I am in the flow the whole world disappears. I am blissed out. But everyday there is this struggle to even get myself to the paper. It is a battle in the mind. I think it is wrought with fears of “it won’t be good enough”, a thought pattern from my childhood. I can tend towards measuring and competing with those that I think are the super talents and it stops me from showing up for myself. Well the fact that I am here today writing this little blog is cool cause it is proof that I am showing up….at least today at this moment. Yeah! Fun. It is a funny thing to me that many artists no matter what genre have difficulty getting to what they love and of course that is a blanket statement.
I knew a guy in New York who was a concert pianist at Julliard School of music and he would practice for at least 8 hours a day, but every time I saw him it was at a bar and he was drunk out of his mind and he would talk to me about how miserable his life was and the pressure from school and his family to be the best. Of course that is an extreme example. When I was a kid I was obsessed with singing and would sing and write everyday just for the sake of it. As an adult I began putting a price tag on it because I chose it as my career. I think the trick is to get back to that childlike state of mind and just have plain old fun. I go back and forth with this all the time.
I am writing this, not to get advice but just to share. If you would like to share your experience that would be cool!
I have not blogged in a couple of weeks. I have been in a space of noting that the “flow” can look very different. I thought it was going to look one way and over the last few weeks I hit a stumbling block, purely made of my own doing. I kept trying to push in a certain direction because that is what I “thought” I was supposed to do, but my heart was not in it and I kept hitting up against a bunch of walls. In the last few days I finally decided to give in to what might be present or wanting to present itself. So I forced nothing at all. I did some housework, watched tv, and just followed what was next. Where I was led to, was the writing of lyrics. I have not written lyrics by myself, for myself in awhile. I have been writing with other people and that’s a different energy.
To finally sit and write for myself was wonderful and joyous. So the flow may not always have to do with what we think it has to do. The flow twists and turns and how nice is that!
http://www.gawunite.com – my book
I’ve decided to take the challenge and I am going to post every single day in 2011