I have taken on this challenge. It is Day 2 for me because the challenges are posted too late in the day for me. I have left my house by the time challenge is put up. I have stayed away from writing challenges such as this one because there is a fear so strong that I can’t produce, that it won’t be good enough and that I won’t succeed. So I have been sitting here staring at the computer, reading other people’s assignments, looking at artwork and yet I come back to this page with nothing. I have travelled a great deal of my life and yet I seem to draw a blank about all the beauty I have seen looking out windows of hotels or flats that I have stayed in. I am actually at a loss for this assignment so t thought I would write about how I am feeling…..overwhelmed, a feeling of “I knew you couldn’t do this, a failure, some sadness that I can’t get going on this, gloom and doom because it has been an ongoing pattern in my life, fear that I will never overcome this start and stop pattern, thoughts that I a unimaginative and not really a good writer at all.
I am sittin in my most favorite overstuffed chair. It is large and pretty much takes over any room no matter what the size is. I found it in a second-home furnishing store. I love it. It actually envelopes the entire body. It is a golden color and it invites all to sit and relax and get lost. As I am sitting in my office, this chair sits diagonally across from the only window there is in my office. The window is simply decorated with sheer cream colored drapes with vertical rows of sage green vines going up and down the length of the curtains from top to bottom. The window is about 6 feet from top to bottom and maybe 4 feet wide. The thick white blinds hang horizontally in contrast to the decorative vertical vines of the curtains. There are blinds. They are white and thick. The curtains are hanging from a brown curtain rod with medium sized balls on either end. In the middle of the rod I have placed a window hanging with 3 glass candle holders evenly spaced out from one another and hanging right down the center of the window. The candle holders are held in place with thin wire from top to bottom with a hook on the top so that it can hang. The candle holders are pinkish red, island blue, and canary yellow. Each holder possesses only 1 color. So simple, but to me beautiful. Right outside the window stands one tree swaying in the wind set against a blue Texas sky. Some days it sits there quietly and other days it can’t stop moving. Swaying with enthusiasm. My office is on the second floor of my house and beyond the tree are rows and rows of rooftops. Immediately out the window is part of my roof and if I dare to open the window, I could step right out on that roof, but I haven’t the courage.
I am living within the confines of a life that is truly not mine. Supposedly I am told it is what I have created but because there are lines around my mind and there is a border patrol of memories and patterns so deeply etched in my canvas called my life, I seem to be able to go no further, to stretch no further. There is burning and longing to stretch my body across the entire universe, to eat it all up and take it all in but I live in a very small corner of the universe that seems to only take in so much and only see so far and only experience a pin drop of what my soul longs for. There is a great wide world out there filled with beauty to see, and people to meet, and food to eat, and songs to sing, and lovers to love, and laughter to be had. I wish my fingers could touch the whole of life, but in my mind I can only see so far and reach so far for I am trapped within the confines of my own thoughts, thoughts of my parents, my ancestors, my environment. Oh how I would like to knock the walls down, bust open the seams, and fly but who am I kidding. I have tried all the years to live the life of my dreams, to experience life fully and extremely and have yet achieved that so I will simple be where I am and peer out the little lens that I have been giving that can dream big, but has yet to live big!
It is Day 3 of blogging and I find myself wondering about what I will write about each day. But I think for me, it is best just to show up and see what my muse has to say, to allow the flow to occur. I do not want to expect anything out of blogging, just the act of doing, being, and allowing will be a gift all in itself. It has only been 3 days, but each morning when I arrive with my favorite Starbuck’s French Roast cup of coffee and begin, I am delighted and filled with lots of child-like glee like when I was a kid and discovered creativity. Wow… I feel like a new person even after 3 days. I hate to say this blog is more about me than others, but I know when I write for others whether it be a song or in my book, there is a pressure that occurs that stymies the flow. The flow is my friend and she loves playing with me and creating just because.
Since being on word press, I have seen many different articles about having a successful blog, building your business through blogging, and how often should you blog. That puts me back in my head and out of the flow once again. I need to write for writing’s sake and nothing else. It feeds my soul, makes me feel alive, whole, and accomplished. I get to carry that feeling throughout my day. So grateful!
Staring Monday, June 2nd I am taking on the blog challenge of writing everyday. It feels good because I have no great intention behind it and no expectations. Just for fun and joy. I have been writing since I was a little girl but I have never considered myself a writer. I am a songwriter but for some reason I consider that different than being a writer. But guess what, its all the same. I accidentally wrote a book and self-published it. It came on like a tornado out of the blue and the words flowed out effortlessly. I have had that experience with a song but never thought a book would come out that way. I finished that book within a week’s period of time from start to finish. Writing for hours, up until 5 in the morning some days. It was fun. The challenge came when it was done and I thought okay I am going to market this book. Well that’s a whole other ballgame. I am not a marketer, I am a writer. But I am happy that book was written. I also have another book in the works that I have been writing since 2003 when I lived in New York City. The idea came out of the blue and every time I go to write in that book I have no idea where its going. I just show up and my muse appears and she writes. It has been an amazing process. Um? I think I’ll let her write everything and get out of the way. what a thought………